Getting on top during sex can be really intimidating, especially when missionary is your default and you’ve gotten comfortable with it. Sooo, why fix what isn’t broken? Well, what if we told you that woman-on-top can be the ultimate way to take control of your pleasure, make sex (especially penetrative sex) feel the way you always thought it should, and give you orgasms left and right? Convinced yet?
“Woman-on-top is actually the second most popular sexual position after missionary. This is because the woman controls the depth of penetration, the intensity and angle of thrust, and her own stimulation,” explains intimacy coach and strategist Duchess Iphie.
This popular sex position allows the woman or receiving partner to take control—setting the tone and motions for how ~sexy time~ will play out and feel. It’s also a very yummy position to help bring you to orgasm, as most people with vulvas find it hard to orgasm through penetration alone. Being on top allows for both more control and the ability to easily incorporate sex toys for added stimulation. “You can use a vibrator while your partner is stimulating you in a different way,” says certified Latinx sexual health expert and founder of Howl at the Womb, Cindy Luquin.
Not only can the girl-on-top position provide more pleasure, but it can also be extremely empowering! “It allows him to see her in all her glory as a woman, which can be both empowering and erotic, as you see his desire for you,” says Iphie. (This goes for partners of all genders—letting your lover see you in control can be incredibly hot.)
And if you tend to feel shy in the bedroom but want to work on your confidence, this move is great practice for that. “It could be a really great position for practicing how to take control during sex, if someone wants to be more dominant in bed, obviously with the consent and willingness of their partner,” says Luquin.
Listen, being on top can be super vulnerable. Like, being all naked up there can bring up stupid fears about how you look or whether you’re secretly bad in bed. Is there a right way to move, and is that what you’re doing?! The pressure!
But here’s the thing: There are tons of helpful tips and tricks to mastering woman-on-top sex. From spelling certain words with your hips, grabbing onto a surface to stabilize yourself, and adding toys into the mix, there are several actionable ways to improve your on-top experience. And if it’s really not for you, that’s totally valid. We’ve even got tips on how to tell your partner in a way that won’t make you feel nervous or put on the spot.
Below, sexperts and educators share their top tips for mastering this position without breaking a sweat, based on questions they get all the time.
1."Does woman-on-top sex have to involve penetration?"
Not. at. all. There are so many ways you can get on top and get off that don’t involve penetration. Grinding, fingering, and clitoral stimulation are just a few non- P-in-V options. And grinding doesn’t only have to involve P-on-V or V-on-V—you can also receive oral sex while on top by hovering (“sitting”) above your partner’s mouth while they perform, or moving back and forth.
When it comes to having fun in the bedroom, communication is key. You can tell your partner, “I think it’d be really hot if you put your finger here, or if you touch me there,” says Luquin. If you want to increase pleasure, lube can help by making penetration easier. You can even incorporate arousal gels to increase sensation even more.
However you’re choosing to get on top, just remember to breathe and be in the moment. “It’s important to stay in your body,” says Luquin. “Think about what feels right, and slow down if you need to. It’s not a race. A lot of people turn to porn when it comes to sex, but you don’t have to perform like you’re in a porn film.”
2. "How do I prevent my knees from hurting while on top?"
We get it—getting on top can be tiring! It can put a lot of pressure on the back and knees, making it feel the opposite of sexy. Ladies, we’re working hard up there! Luckily, there are plenty of accessories on the market that can help support you, like sex pillows and wedges. Luquin suggests placing some firm pillows under your knees for support and to ground yourself.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask your partner for help. “If they’re able to, ask your partner to hold you in place, and help them help you figure out how to shift your body to a more comfortable position,” says Luquin. “Incorporating them just makes it more fun, it helps build communication, and helps you both figure out how your bodies can better fit together, instead of you being the one who’s doing all of the work.”
3. "How do I get on top if my partner and I are on the larger side?"
Contrary to what is commonly portrayed in porn, all bodies can have enjoyable woman-on-top sex—you just have to find a position that’s comfortable and pleasurable for both you and your partner.
“Many think this position isn’t for those who are larger in size because stomachs and other body parts can get in the way, making it more difficult to bounce up and down. A better way might be to rock your hips to and fro once he’s inside you,” explains Iphie. “This ensures that he stays in, and there is less likelihood of him slipping out of you at a pivotal moment, such as while reaching orgasm. This movement also adds less pressure to the knees as you don’t have to bounce very high.” This also applies to non-penis-having partners using strap-ons to penetrate.
4. "I have a hard time orgasming in this position. Are there any toys that can help?"
Most of us can’t orgasm with penetration alone, so go ahead and throw some stimulating toys into the mix: “I love toys and always use them during sex! If I’m in cowgirl, I like to opt for a bullet vibe or a small wand because it’s easier for me to reach my clit and not overwhelm myself with sensations,” says Cheyenne Davis, writer and founder of Unveild, a sex and kink positive publication for Black and Brown folx. Wearable vibes, couples’ toys and vibrating cock rings can also make a big difference.
5. "I'm feeling really self-conscious right now and I hate being on top. Any advice?"
“I normally despise being on top!” says Davis. “As a fat femme who normally has partners who are smaller than I am, I didn’t always feel supported when I got on top. I normally did most of the work, and it turned me off very quickly. However, after trying it with a more caring and pleasure-centric partner, I found the best way to go about it is to do it where we are both sitting, and I can rock my hips rather than bounce with unsteady knees.” Basically, go ahead and move around (and communicate with your partner!) until you find what feels right to you.
Also worth remembering: “If you do feel uncomfortable being on top, you can always communicate that and try other positions. I am a firm believer of constant and clear communication and consent during sex, and it is totally okay if a position just isn’t working,” says Davis. “I think we don’t humanize sex enough and think it’s always so pristine and perfect, when in fact it’s deliciously messy, funny, awkward and beautiful.”
6. "What are the easiest things to keep in mind to master woman-on-top?"
Get out of your head and try not to overthink the process, suggests sexologist Malika O’Neill, LPC, and founder and CEO of The Pleasure Collective, LLC. Overthinking things might lead to psyching yourself out, and O’Neill says this is typically where people will find themselves either going off rhythm, or being so anxious they aren’t able to find pleasure in the experience.
“Remember you’re in control and allow that to make you feel powerful. Let your hips guide you and do most of the work,” suggests O’Neill, adding that if you try to work out your entire body while on top, it’ll tire you out faster and you’ll likely lose stamina.
7. "Is there any particular rhythm you should try to move to during woman-on-top? I've heard (or read) that you should try to spell 'coconut' with your hips while on top. Why does this trick work? Are there any other easy tricks or words you can spell while on top to make it seem like you know what you're doing?"
The “coconut” trick is great, because it’s all rounded letters that are easy to “spell” with your hips. O’Neill also suggests trying to spell the word “cowgirl.” Go at a medium pace that allows you and your partner to feel each rhythm or letter—this not only allows you to slow down enough to make things pleasurable, but you’re also able to gauge your partner’s reaction and body language to see which letters they enjoy more than others.
Another easy trick O’Neill suggests for Riding 101 is to try to create the letters “W” or “M” with your hips as well. You can also have you or your partner try to create the letter “O” in slow motion, she suggests.
Get creative with it! If you or your partner find you have a penchant for rounded letters or letters with lots of peaks and dips like “W” or “M,” incorporate those into your hip rhythm. You don’t even have to ~spell~ anything. No one will tell if you’re just hip-typing out “WWWWWWWWWWWWWW” a million times over if that’s what floats your boat!
8. "How do I tell my partner if I don't enjoy being on top?"
“We tend to be our most vulnerable selves while in sexual situations with our partners, so being strategic here could be important,” says O’Neill. She suggests either directing your partner to a different position that focuses on what you desire rather than what you don’t like. Positives over negatives, always! You can say something like, “I love when you take me from behind,” instead of, “I don’t like being up here.”
O’Neill also tells her clients to try to communicate using “the compliment sandwich,” aka, sandwiching a comment about something you don’t like between two compliments. This might look like, “I love when you take me from behind. I don’t love being on top, but that’s because you’re just so good at being in control, it makes sex feel so good for me.” Then, brainstorm ways you can make your partner feel good without getting in a position you don’t like. Compromise!
9. "There's a stigma that women who don't enjoy being on top are 'lazy.' Should I feel guilty if I don't like being on top? What are some very valid reasons you might not like being on top?"
First things first: Never feel guilty or bad about yourself for not wanting to be on top (or anything else during a sexual situation in general), says O’Neill. It’s your body, and the whole point of sex is to provide a pleasurable experience for you and your partner. If both people aren’t enjoying it, what’s the point? As for some very valid reasons you might not be into being on top, O’Neill says you might just prefer when your partner is in control, or you might experience sexual pain when on top for a variety of reasons. You might also just not feel comfortable with your partner getting to see that much of you, which… valid! More on that later.
Basically, just don’t be afraid to voice your preferences and never feel obligated to get on top if you hate it just because you don’t want to seem “lazy”—that’s just not true.
10. "No, but seriously: How do I get over any insecurity about my looks while on top?"
Luckily, this one is all mental. “We tend to have an idea from porn that we need to be sitting straight up for his visual pleasure, and that we need to have a perfect body to do so,” says Elena Lynn Wolfbrandt, a sexuality coach who specializes in female sexuality. In reality, if you’re having sex with a man, “it’s 99% guaranteed that he’s having an amazing time, no matter what you’re doing,” says Wolfbrandt.
Tap into your inner diva and make the moment all about you and your pleasure. You know how dudes won’t realize you cut 10 inches off your hair for weeks until you literally bring up the fact that you did so? There’s your proof that he won’t be criticizing your body or anything to the degree you’re worried about.
If you wanna take a mental break and step away from the showgirl spotlight for a moment, you can also try getting on top while belly-to-belly, or even close your legs and squeeze to get more clitoral pleasure, adds Wolfbrandt.
11. "How do I get into the position?"
Wondering how to segue gracefully over your partner’s body? “Begin by kneeling over your partner and gently lower yourself down,” explains Antonia Hall, sex and relationship expert and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. “From there, it’s easy to bounce up and down or rock your hips, adjusting your angle to stimulate your clitoris,” she adds. You can also try squatting with your feet flat. You’ll need more balance, but it opens your hips for deeper penetration.
12. "What do I hold onto during woman-on-top?"
Wondering how to segue gracefully over your partner’s body? “Begin by kneeling over your partner and gently lower yourself down,” explains Antonia Hall, sex and relationship expert and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. “From there, it’s easy to bounce up and down or rock your hips, adjusting your angle to stimulate your clitoris,” she adds. You can also try squatting with your feet flat. You’ll need more balance, but it opens your hips up for deeper penetration.
13. "Why do people always say being on top is better for women, anyway?"
“You have more control over the speed, angle, and intensity, so it makes it easier to keep it at a rhythm that’s really doing it for you. Your vulva and clitoris are also very accessible, and the vast majority of women find intercourse much more pleasurable if they are also stroking or being stroked in this area,” Layla Martin, sexpert and author of Wild Woman in the Bedroom, explains. And then there’s also the mental element of control: Taking the reins and doing things exactly 👏 how 👏you 👏want 👏 can feel beyond hot.
Being on top also gives you an opportunity to practice new tricks both you and your partner can enjoy. “Because she controls the depth and pace of the thrust, she can practice ‘edging,’ which is where she gets to the point of almost having an orgasm and stops the thrusts so that the feeling fades away,” adds Iphie. “Edging can be fun for both partners, as they can both experience it during sex.”
14. "Okay, but what can you try if you’re having trouble getting the right angle when you’re on top?"
Yes, in theory it makes sense that being on top lets your clit get more stimulation, but if that angle just isn’t happening for you, you’ve got options. To find that sweet spot, Martin suggests moving your body forward and back very slowly, and left to right, to see if you can notice any slight differences in sensation. Basically, troubleshoot!
Too deep? No problem. “If you’re uncomfortable because the penetration feels too deep, you can try lying forward and propping yourself up on your hands or forearms almost like you’re in a missionary position,” Martin offers. And don’t get discouraged if you don’t get there right away. “The key is to not get caught up thinking it’s not working and you need to fix it, but to focus instead on sensually discovering the spot that holds the greatest pleasure for you.”
15. "How do you figure out how to move your body?"
Once you’ve found the perfect angle, you can still get bogged down on how to move, especially if you think you have to be a dancer or someone with impeccable natural rhythm in order to nail it. But all you need is practice! Hall suggests starting by making small, slow adjustments to your hips or body until you hit that sweet spot.
“You can use your leg muscles and core to move up and down, then carefully lean forward or back to bring things into alignment,” Hall says. “Your hands can go on the bed for support and balance as you move into positions that feel great for you, and what feels good often changes, so you should feel comfortable adjusting as desired.”
16. "What can I try if I just get really tired really quickly when I’m on top?"
It’s no surprise that being on top exerts a liiiiiiittle more energy than just lying there and noticing all the cracks in your ceiling. Martin says you can always slow way down, but adds, “The biggest thing is to remember to breathe. If you’ve ever done intensive workouts, you can go much farther and longer if you breathe deeply. This will seem totally natural since people tend to breathe much more intensively during sex.” Deep inhales and exhales can help you focus on sensation and not become exhausted so quickly.
You can also let your partner take over for a bit. “Sex is a dance,” Halls says. And your partner is probably going to move their hips a little too, because it feels amazing. She also recommends leaning forward so you’re lying on top of your partner in a sort-of missionary pose to ease the strain (and signal to them that they can contribute to the thrusting as well).
17. "Are there any workouts you can do to make on-top sex better for you?"
“Great sexual stamina comes from strength in your large muscle groups and a good cardio routine,” Hall says. “Working on your legs and core will really help in the bedroom. I also always advise doing Kegels, which can help strengthen your pelvic muscles, which means bigger, better orgasms.”
18. "Are there any variations of the traditional 'on top of my partner, facing them' position? And WTF are they?"
You’ve got other choices! For one, you can swing your way into reverse cowgirl, which Martin suggests can be “hugely liberating.” This is basically staying on top of the penis or strap-on, but leaning on your forearms, or sitting up, facing your partner’s toes instead of their face.
“Woman-on-top doesn’t always have to be the man on his back and the woman sitting, kneeling or squatting on top. She could lie on top of him, sit on top with her legs straight out facing him while he is sitting up, sit on his lap while he is sitting on a chair, or he could be on his back with his knees to his chest and she sits on his penis––all of these are tweaks to the woman-on-top position,” says Iphie.
But there’s more! “There’s an advanced position where you are facing forward and you lean to one side, and place that hand down to support yourself and give your pelvis a light lift. The extra support and slight lift of your pelvis means you can undulate up and down with more range in your pelvis, and this can be super erotic,” Martin explains.
19. "What are some good toys to add to woman-on-top sex?"
Many women can’t orgasm from P-in-V sex alone, so it can be good to throw in an accessory. Hall says this is a great position for incorporating vibrators, and recommends a handheld clitoral stimulator like the Clandestine Mimic, a couples vibrator like the We-Vibe Sync, or a vibrating cock ring like the LELO TOR 2.
20. "Is there any way you could hurt yourselves with on-top sex?"
Woman-on-top sex is actually the most common position for penile fracturing, but it’s still not insanely common or easy to do. The main thing to do, according to Hall, is ease into things slowly every time, because you can injure your partner if you lean in a way that bends their penis uncomfortably, or bounce up and down so quickly that you fall on a bad angle and hurt or even break their penis. So, again: Take it sloooooow.
21. "What if I can't relax?"
There are tons of other benefits to getting on top that you might not have realized. “Sex is very psychological, and for women to experience their deepest orgasms, there are parts of their brain that need to go silent that have to do with judgement and control,” says Martin. When you’re on your back, you might actually be more caught up in your head, but when you’re on top, you’re forced to concentrate more on the physical act, which can help you really let go.
So, let go! Let yourself get caught up in the moment and try to picture yourself as the sex goddess you are while you rock your partner’s world, because trust us—that’s exactly how they’re seeing you, too, and you deserve to enjoy that.
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
