Listen up. We all deserve to have good sex. No, scratch that. We all deserve to have AMAZING sex. Like weak-in-the-knees-tearing-our-clothes-off sex that makes all parties involved feel next-level satisfied. Hello, sign us up!
So, how do we make this kind of sex come to life? First things first, it’s important to understand that what makes Great Sex great is super subjective. Since everybody’s different—from their anatomy to their sexual interests—there’s no one move or trick that every woman finds universally pleasurable. This means that if you’re looking to please a partner, having a wide variety of sexual techniques in your repertoire is crucial. Enter: Us, with this handy master list of expert-approved tips to pleasure a woman (or a partner of any gender, really) in bed. You’re welcome!
Being open-minded and mastering a broad range of sexual skills and positions to please a woman or vulva-owner goes a long way in terms of customizing each and every sexual experience to serve the unique needs, desires, and preferences of your partner. “One-size-fits-all doesn’t work for clothes or education, and it certainly doesn’t work for female pleasure,” says sex educator and pleasure coach Seshata Rose. “Pleasure cannot be standardized.”
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And while porn may provide some sexy inspo, board-certified sex educator Linnea Marie warns that the stuff you’re seeing on screen probably isn’t super reliable when it comes to learning how to actually please a real-life partner. For that, there’s nothing better than a little hands-on learning, if you catch our drift.
But! Good sex is not all about the physical stuff. To really learn how to please a woman or AFAB playmate, you also have to communicate. This means having open conversations with your partner about what they like and don’t like—and being receptive to feedback. There are innumerable ways to get a woman begging for more, but you also need to be able to communicate about what’s not working. Look, it can be hard not to feel hurt when receiving constructive criticism from a sex partner, but we need to understand that this isn’t about ego. It’s about enhancing an experience and co-creating mutual pleasure. We’re all just here for a good time, right?
Being good in bed really is as simple as talking to your partner about what they like—and keeping the lines of communication open, no matter how long you’ve been together. Remember, what we like in bed is on a spectrum; it’s subject to change. What works for someone now may not in the future. Let’s not think of this as daunting, but rather as an exciting opportunity to continue to growing together as partners and enhancing your sex life.
That’s the beauty of sexuality: We're always evolving. “Whether [it’s] bringing in some erotic kink, light spanking, or visiting a swing club for some voyeuristic pleasures, continue to expand your sexual lives to keep your mind and body fresh,” says Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. Get creative with it, is what we’re saying!
As you experiment and explore together, there are a few general, female-focused pleasure tips to keep in mind. But important to note: Not every woman has a vagina, and not every vagina-haver is a woman. While these suggestions are geared for people with vaginas, a lot of them are pretty universal and can be customized to fit all bodies.
With all of that in mind, here are 28 expert-recommended tips to pleasure a woman that’ll get you a lil closer to that legendary lover status.
1. De-prioritize penetration.
One of the first and most important ways to please a vagina-having partner is to focus less on the penetration of it all. “Outercourse is just as important as intercourse,” Rose explains. “When sex is focused on penetration and the male orgasm, it takes away from being more pleasure centered.” Instead of rushing to the penetration, try taking your time or even skipping the P-in-V stuff altogether. There are a lot of different types of sex you can try, some of which may be more pleasurable for your partner.
2. Do some pleasure mapping.
Mapping out pleasure is a real thing and yes, the treasure is truly orgasmic. Basically, pleasure mapping is a way to figure out what feels good on someone’s body, explains Rose. To do it, “explore primary and secondary erogenous zones while performing a sensual massage, incorporating textures (i.e. feathers, fur, leather tassels, Wartenberg wheel), or playing with temperature (i.e. ice or wax),” Rose says.
As you slowly move around your partner’s body, Rose suggests having your partner rate how much pleasure they feel on a scale of one to five. This will give you an idea of the areas they love to be touched and the areas they prefer you steer clear of. There’s no point wasting time kissing their neck when they prefer bites on their shoulder, you feel?
3. Don’t forget the lube.
Lube is the stuff of the heavens. While vaginas do get wet (most of the time) when aroused, extra lubrication literally never hurts. “Lube adds an extra layer of slickness and glide-ability that can take pleasure to the next level,” says Marie. Using lube should be a MUST, not a maybe. However, “not all lubes are created equally, so be mindful of the ingredients in the one you are choosing,” adds Marie. Make sure the lube you decide to go with is a high quality, paraben-free brand like SKYN or Lovehoney. Oh, and stick to water-based if you’re using toys.
4. Be mindful of speed and technique when engaging in penetration.
Marie cautions that if you’re having penetrative sex, being mindful of the stroke, speed, and position is critical. “There are amazing penetration techniques that feel so good and provide the ultimate stimulation necessary for unmatched partner pleasure,” she says. Marie highlights “shallowing” and “rocking” as two techniques that can make all the difference.
Shallowing is a “just-the-tip” (we know, old school) technique that stimulates all the rich nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina. Rocking, on the other hand, “is a technique where you stay inside the vagina rather than pulling out and thrusting; essentially, this position provides consistent external clitoral stimulation,” Marie explains. Both of these methods are designed to focus more on stimulation of the clitoris and vagina, rather than classic thrusting in and out. This is huge for providing pleasure to female-bodied people.
5. Watch your S.O. masturbate.
There’s literally no better way to please a partner than watching them please themself. This is especially true for people with vaginas because, as Rose explains, it isn’t uncommon for vulva-havers to experience orgasms on their own but never with a partner. “Observe how your partner touches themself,” she advises. Pay close attention to what type of touch, pressure, and speed they gravitate toward. “They know their bodies best, so learn from the source.”
6. Rub the clit.
If there were a single secret to pleasuring someone with a vagina, it would have to be paying attention to the clitoris. Since close to 90 percent of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, Rose says the clitoris is the one pleasure organ you absolutely don’t want to miss. “Play with applying light and firm pressure,” she suggests. “Start with slow movements and gradually increase the pace. If their breathing quickens, their back arches, or the clitoris stiffens and sticks out, you’re on the right track!”
7. Up the intimacy.
There’s much more to intimacy than just sex, Rose explains, and the more you build it *outside* the bedroom, the better your connection and intimacy will be *in* the bedroom. Spending quality time together, having deep conversations, and engaging in non-sexual touch are a few easy ways to strengthen your bond.
Rose also suggests having tantric sex, which is a slower, more meditative style that emphasizes intimacy and the sexual experience as a whole. “People who practice tantric sex often share that they have multiple and/or more intense orgasms,” she explains.
8. Incorporate some mood music.
Songs make everything seem more epic, and sex is no exception. Before just throwing your "most played" on shuffle, however, you might want to curate a sex playlist. If you're having a hard time picking some music, make it an activity to do together! Nobody wants to be getting after it when “A Hard Knock Life” from Annie kicks on. Unless of course, that's your vibe.
9. Apply absolutely ZERO pressure.
Seriously, none. “If [they're] struggling to reach orgasm, pressure—even subtle pressure like asking ‘Are you close?’—can turn [them] off,” says ob-gyn and sex coach Renée Hilliard, MD, speaking the damn truth. Before moving on from one type of sex to another (like oral to penetration), Hilliard says that asking and ensuring your partner a) is ready for that and b) even wants to do it is basically Bedroom Etiquette 101.
10. Gooo sloooow.
Throwing down on the nearest floor is fine sometimes when a dramatic flourish is necessary, but for the most part, slow and steady wins the race. “Get to the point where they're begging for more. Start with non-genital contact and move slowly toward the goods,” says Hilliard. “[Vagina-havers] are wired to relax this way. Experiment with different speeds and pressures of touch." Also, if you really want to create a slow burn, Hilliard suggests giving the vagina a literal massage to warm things up the right way.
11. Use some toys.
Sex toys are great for changing things up, inspiring fantasies, and giving that extra oomph of stimulation. There are a ton of options out there from sex toys that simulate oral sex to cock rings and even app-operated sex toys. Play around with a few together to see what your partner likes.
12. Take your time and pay attention.
It may seem like an obvious “duh,” but you’d be surprised by how quickly things can move in the moment. For sex of any kind, choose to take the scenic route instead of the shortcut, advises certified sexologist Gail Crowder. “Start from the top of our head and go all the way down to our toes. It truly takes [people with vaginas] 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm, so having a patient partner helps us experience sexual fulfillment,” she says.
13. Be selfless.
Most people want a partner who puts their needs first and makes their pleasure a priority, explains dating expert Jaida Pervis, a senior VP at matchmaking firm Select Date Society. “The great thing about being a selfless lover is that your partner will want to reciprocate.” (Which seems like a win-win here.)
14. Provide a safe space that is free of judgment.
“Sex isn’t always perfect—unexpected things happen like cramps, periods, queefs, gagging, and more,” says clinical sexologist Cain Joyland. “All are quite common and may seem embarrassing, but women want to feel safe during sex and know that whatever happens is okay and free of judgment.” Also, these are the things you can absolutely laugh about and move on from, okay? No sweat!
15. Mix things up!
Look, no one wants to bone in one position all night. Novelty is what excites the brain, whether that’s through a new sex position, toy, or outfit. Certified sexologist Tyomi Morgan suggests playing more games, experimenting with different sex positions, having sex in different places in the home, and/or using a toy. The reason: “Doing the same moves and having sex in the same positions or in the same place becomes mundane for women who are in long term partnerships, or if they are having sex with the same person consistently.”
16. Stay curious.
“Continue to check in with your partner as your relationship grows. We never stop growing and changing. Look for new sexual adventures to explore together,” Sparks says. This could range from trying new positions to exploring different toys or sex acts.
17. Get kinky.
Kink may sound intimidating, but it isn’t all whips and chains and dungeons. What it is, at its core, is playing with power dynamics. This can be a really amazing way for you and your partner to explore different sides of your personality. Have you ever wanted to be more dominant in the bedroom? Perhaps you’ve wanted to be tied up? Now is your chance to go on this adventure together. For a complete guide to kink for beginners, check out our handy little intro for the kink-curious.
18. Make cunnilingus on par with every blow job fantasy.
You know how some people want you to be so into sucking their dick that you’re literally like, gagging and tearing up? Vagina-havers want that too! No, you don’t have to tear up, but passionate enthusiasm never hurt anyone. “Let [them] know you want feedback. Ask [them] multiple times if it feels good and if there’s anything you could do to make it even better,” says Hilliard. “If you don’t know what you are doing, learn. This is the information age—there are plenty of resources.” (Like, ahem, this one.)
19. Read the room re: cuddling.
Sometimes you want to be cuddled and spooned, sometimes you want to stay on opposite sides of the bed. While these preferences can differ not only from person to person but also with each situation, it’s best to check in with your partner and see what’s up. Just a simple “Can I spoon you?” or something along those lines works here.
20. Keep an open mind.
Maybe your partner wants to bring toys into the mix or try something different in bed. Being vulnerable is hard. Being vulnerable when you’re naked is even harder. While you never have to do or try something you're not into, being a partner someone can trust and feel safe around is key. Just listening without judgment and being willing to break out of your comfort zone will go a long way.
21. Have lots of vocal enthusiasm.
There is nothing hotter than a partner who is just stoked to be with you and can’t stop geeking out over how hot they think you are or how much you turn them on. Get loud and get freaky with it. Tell your partner how much you want 'em, and that you can’t stop thinking about them.
22. Use protection.
Not only do condoms help protect against pregnancy and STIs, but some of them (like ribbed ones) actually make sex feel better. Plus, the peace of mind can help vagina-havers relax, which tends to translate to overall better sex.
23. Prioritize your partner's orgasm.
Despite what the media has depicted for, oh, IDK, ever, sex shouldn’t end with the male orgasm—especially if their partner hasn’t had one yet. It doesn't matter your gender, this is a universal must. Unless otherwise discussed: if you’re going to be too exhausted after your orgasm, make sure your partner is taken care of beforehand. It’s not rocket science. If you know, for sure, you’re going to get yours, wouldn’t you want your partner to enjoy themselves too?
24. Communicate before, during, and after.
There’s a time and a place for wordlessly-grunty sex, but having a partner who asks if you’re into something or if you want it another way is also nice. You don’t get any extra points for making it to the finish line without saying a peep. Talk about what you like before sex, during sex, and after sex to make it overall better for everyone.
25. Keep a clean bed.
It’s really, really hard to let go and enjoy yourself if you can feel your calves brushing up against any sedimentary layers of sweat, grime, and hookups past. If you know someone's coming over for some sexy time, wash your damn sheets. If you haven't gotten the chance to wash your sheets, move the party elsewhere like the couch or the shower. It's just common courtesy!
26. Have a spare phone charger.
Maybe your partner needs to call an Uber afterward. Maybe they told their friends they'd send their location every 30 mins. Maybe they just want a charged phone for scrolling and sending sleeping pics to their group chat after you PTFO. Whatever it is, having a phone charger handy will make your partner feel comfy, safe, and taken care of in like, a modern way.
27. Incorporate lots of foreplay.
It’s not a race to the finish line, and the power of foreplay can not be overstated. Since it takes the vagina a certified *while* to get warmed up, you can take your time and draw stuff out and enjoy yourselves. A little patience will carry you a long, long way. Besides, if the orgasm was the only thing that mattered about sex, almost everyone with a vagina would be dating the USB brick that charges their vibrators.
28. Have realistic expectations.
Porn sex is cool and all, but real-life sex isn't like that. Expecting your partner to act how your favorite adult stars act—or engage in the kind of sex you like to see on your phone/computer when masturbating—is completely unrealistic. Concentrate more on connecting with the person and being in the moment over trying to replicate something you saw in a fantasy created for the male gaze. Trust us, it's better—and hotter—for all involved.
Jill Hamilton is a contributor for Cosmopolitan.com and writes the blog In Bed With Married Women.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
