Your Everything-to-Know Guide to Watching Porn With Your Partner for the First Time

If you’ve ever fantasized about watching porn with a partner, you’re not alone. eHarmony’s February 2023 Dating Diaries report found that 44 percent of singles are down to watch porn with a partner, which, hello, is great freaking news since 1) that’s a lot of people, and 2) it can be one of the steamiest ways to get horny together and learn what turns each of you on—a true win/win scenario. And while starting the conversation about porn-watching can be intimidating, it’s worth bringing up considering it can have some pretty amazing benefits for your sex life, says clinical health psychologist Jordan Rullo, PhD, medical advisor at the women’s health app Flo. A 2017 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that porn may help you learn about sexual health, explore new sexual ideas, improve your technique in bed, and help you communicate your likes and dislikes. And a 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology even found that couples who watch porn together report happier relationships and higher sexual satisfaction. Sign👏🏼 us 👏🏼 up👏🏼 !

Getting there, however, isn't as easy as just getting naked and pressing play. Sex is a two-person (or three, or four, or however many fits your fancy) exchange—one where you should always prioritize consent and respect. So, how do you bring it up, exactly? What if your partner isn't into the idea and the vibes get super awk? What if your partner is into something that you’re not, or worse, what if they’re into something that…kinda weirds you out?

There are several reasons to make sure you’re both on the same page ahead of time, which is why we thought of every scenario you could potentially face and unpacked them for you below, from how to bring it up for the first time, to what to do if your partner says, “no thnx.”

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How to Bring Up Watching Porn Together for the First Time

Before bringing porn into the bedroom, Rullo recommends setting aside time to discuss it with your partner. “As with any conversation that you think might be difficult, uncomfortable, or vulnerable, pick a time to talk to your partner where there is privacy, no time constraints, and the mood is neutral or positive—in other words, don’t choose to talk about this immediately before, during or after sex,” she says.

Licensed clinical psychologist Kate Cummins, PsyD, who’s based in California, recommends opening the conversation with general questions about watching porn, then inviting your partner to elaborate if they’re down. “Start the conversation by asking questions [like], Have you ever watched it? Have you ever been interested in it?” she says. “You can let your partner know that you're just opening a conversation, not making a demand or forcing anything.” Then, you might say something like, “Have you ever thought about us watching it together? Do you think it’d be hot?”

The goal is for the talk to flow naturally and not feel like an interrogation. You also don’t want to pressure your partner into watching porn with you if they aren’t interested. “Reassure them that your curiosity does not mean they are obligated to participate,” says sex therapist Eliza Boquin, LMFT, founder of Flow and Ease Healing Center in Houston, Texas. “The last thing you want is for your partner to feel coerced.” Consent is key, so if your partner seems uneasy talking about porn or doesn’t show interest, you may want to pause and try again another time—or, if it feels okay, you can ask them what about it makes them hesitant.

But if they are open to the convo, listen actively and keep an open mind. Porn-watching is personal and can be a sensitive topic to discuss, and they may be equally as anxious or hesitant to chat about the idea as you are! Try to keep the convo as relaxed and judgment-free as you can.

Okay, So You Brought It Up and Your Partner Said No

We know it can be easy to internalize rejection, especially when it comes to anything sex-related. But if your partner shoots down the idea of watching porn together, just know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what makes them comfortable and what their boundaries look like. And in the same way that you wouldn’t want your boundaries crossed or pushed upon, you should avoid crossing or pushing upon theirs.

Depending on how the conversation flows, you could, like Boquin suggests above, ask them what about it makes them hesitant. But if it’s straight-up no and they don’t want to discuss the matter further, it might be time to drop it and brainstorm other ways to spice up your sex life that don’t include porn.

They’re Actually Down and You’re Establishing Boundaries and Consent

So you brought it up and your partner was like, “Hell yeah.” Great! The next step, just like with any other New Sex Thing you’re trying, is to talk about how you want to go about it in the safest, most comfortable way for everyone involved, including the performers in the porn you’re consuming.

As always, ethical porn is the way to go. Ethical porn sites, which are usually paid sites, prioritize the wellbeing of their performers by creating safe work environments and ensuring they get paid fairly for their work. Try a site like Bellesa, Sssh.com, FrolicMe, or another platform that keeps performer safety, respect, and consent in mind. (Use the money you'd otherwise spend on a date night to pay for a subscription to a site you like instead.) On a night when you feel excited and ready to explore, spend some time picking a video that interests you both. Perhaps you commit to watching a minute or two and seeing how you both feel, or maybe you use a video as a “warm-up” to get horny before sex.

Similar to when you’re trying a new sex position or exploring a kink for the first time, you may also consider having a contract, safe word, and/or aftercare plan. For example, if you start feeling awkward a few minutes in, a safe word might signal that it’s time to pause the video. Maybe you make an agreement with your partner beforehand that you’ll only watch a certain type of porn, and that you’ll cuddle afterward and chat about the experience. Ultimately, the process should feel fun and comfortable for you both.

And remember: Those boundaries are everything. “Share your truth with your partner and know what your boundaries and limits are, so that you don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable situation,” Cummins recommends. “Give yourself permission to expand while also saying no…this will give you permission to feel safe, act safely, and create new experiences if they are right for you.”

You’re Nervous About Sharing Your Own Porn Preferences

There are many categories of porn that can spark your imagination, from BDSM scenes to steamy, romantic films. What gets you off may not be for another person, and that’s okay. If you’re worried about telling your partner your preferences out of embarrassment or fear of judgment, remember—everyone is unique and it’s totally normal to have different sexual interests.

Before diving into details, Rullo says that it may help to re-establish the idea of non-judgment. “There’s a motto in sex therapy:" ‘Don’t yuck my yum!’ Essentially, this means when we talk about sex, let’s do so in a non-judgmental way,” she says. “Propose this as a ground rule when talking about sex. This creates a safe foundation to simply share your thoughts and interests with each other.”

She also recommends using “I” statements to express what you feel and need. For instance: “I feel nervous to tell you about something I’m interested in sexually, and I need you to listen non-judgmentally.” You can also say something like, “Hey, I’d love to share the type of porn I’m into, but it feels kinda vulnerable. Is it okay if I share openly with you?”

Whether you’re into threesomes, role play, bondage, or all of the above, you’re entitled to your own tastes, and there’s no shame in liking what you like. The right partner will listen to you with curiosity, not criticism or judgment.

You Realize You Have Totally Different Porn Preferences

Maybe your partner loves watching rough, kinky sex, while slow and passionate is more your speed. If you aren’t into the exact same types of porn, experts say it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible, nor does it mean you can’t settle on a friendly middle term.

“Sexual compatibility is on a wide spectrum,” Cummins says. “Think about it this way: If you both like ice cream but like different flavors, you can both decide to go get ice cream together, but not the same type. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a good fit—it just simply means that you like different things.”

According to Rullo, compromise is possible. “Unless your partner has an erotic template that can’t possibly be replicated in your relationship (for example, he can only get aroused watching you have sex with another man, and this is an absolute non-starter for you), most sexual interests and desires fall on a continuum and can be accommodated through compromise,” she says.

And compromise can look different for everyone. Maybe you aren’t down to watch their preferred porn category, but you’re okay sexting about it. Maybe you both agree to enjoy your favorite types of porn independently and choose another genre when you’re together, or you find a video that involves both of your preferences and find that it’s a healthy middle ground. The bottom line: There are options!

Your Partner’s Porn Preferences Turn You Off, or Vice Versa

In some cases, your partner’s porn preferences might seem weird to you and/or turn you off entirely, which can leave you feeling...not-so-great. Or perhaps you’re into something that they’ve expressed makes them feel uncomfortable. In both cases, respect is key. As Rullo mentioned previously, you never want to “yuck their yum,” or make them feel weird about what they like. After all, fantasies are personal, and often aren’t situations they’d act out IRL or indicative of what they actually want to do with you. But your feelings are also totally valid, and you should never (ever!) go through with watching or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

But before ruling it out entirely, think of it as an opportunity to dive in deeper. “If your partner doesn't like the porn you watch, be curious about why,” Boquin says. “Are there certain acts that are triggering? Like any other topic, when partners don't see eye to eye, it's an opportunity to get curious and learn more about how your partner sees the world.”

The same guideline goes for you, too. If your partner loves masturbation videos, for example, but the thought turns you off entirely, you may want to consider why. “If your partner shares an interest that you think is yucky, suspend your judgment and instead get curious,” Rullo says. “[Ask] them questions to better understand what they like about this sexual act or experience, but also get curious about yourself and what made you internally react the way that you did.” For example, is it simply not a turn-on for you, or is there a past experience you had with it that was negative or unappealing?

At the end of the day, you (seriously!) don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you’re in a scenario where one of your preferences is an absolute no-go for the other, follow the same advice we give above: Find a friendly middle ground.

You’re Finally Watching Porn Together…Now What?

It’s clear that just getting to the point of watching porn together is a whole process in and of itself. But once you get there, and you’re watching something you’re both genuinely into, what do you do?

The answer is totally up to you, but it’s a good idea to establish it before you press play. You might want to start with just watching together and discussing how it makes you feel afterwards. Or you can agree to watch and decide as you go, always prioritizing verbal consent (i.e: “Can I touch you?” or “Do you want to have sex?”). Once you get more comfortable with watching porn together, maybe you can have sex while it’s on in the background, or watch it while engaging in mutual masturbation. Sometimes just hearing it can be a huge turn-on for you without having to actually watch anything (hello, audio erotica!). You also…don’t even need to engage in anything physical and can agree to just watch! The possibilities are endless.

Trust your gut, move at your own pace, and remember: Watching porn together can and should be fun! And you deserve to feel empowered about the experience, no matter whether you end up having sex to porn, watching it during foreplay, or simply just talking to your partner about what you like. As with anything when it comes to sex, the experience should feel safe, fun, and authentic to you and your partner, and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

Tianna Soto

Freelance Writer

Tianna Soto is a writer, editor, and professional wellness speaker based in New York City. Previously, she was a contributing editor on the dating team at Elite Daily and an associate editor at Her Campus Media. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, singing, and speaking with college audiences about mental health. You can connect with her on Instagram and Twitter.