Knowing if and when to call it quits on a relationship can be one hell of a challenge, not made easier by the facts that 1) breakups can often really suck and 2) everyone has a different experience. Sometimes, you know when exactly to GTFO of your relationship and move on, while other times, you’re stuck in limbo wondering when and if you should break up with your partner.
Trust us, we know what the dreaded “should I end things?” phase feels like, and it’s not fun what-so-freaking-ever. Like, the anxiety around not knowing if you should cut things off because the relationship ~might~ get better? Been there. Or wondering whether or not your partner will finally give you what you know you deserve? Done that. Eventually, these repetitive thoughts of “to break up or to not break up” get so overwhelming that you start consulting legit anyone for advice—i.e. blowing up the group chat, mining WitchTok for wisdom, and, yes, googling stuff like “should I break up with my boyfriend?” (Which, hi, is probably how you ended up here. Welcome!)
TikTok has answers to a lot of things, but when it comes to relationships and breakups, stick to the experts. We crafted this user-friendly guide to navigating all the messy feels of the Potential Breakup phase, approved by relationship coaches, therapists, and psychologists. But before we start unpacking, it’s important to understand that no two breakups or relationships are exactly alike. “So much around the decision of whether to stay together is situational,” says clinical psychologist Lauren Cook, PhD. “What works for one couple might not work for another.”
Really, to break up or not to break up is a question only you can answer. We can’t give you all the answers, but what we can say is if you’re in need of some second opinions that aren’t just your friends texting you the Britney “Dump Him” photo (iconic, though), we’ve gotchu. Read on for actually good advice from relationship experts on how to know when it’s time to say goodbye. Take some time to think critically before applying these signs to your sitch, and then assess what the best decision for you looks like. Just know that your feelings are completely valid—and if you do decide to break up, we’ll be here to help you through that too, trust 🤞🏾.
10 Signs You Should Break Up With Them
1.You don't feel like a priority in your relationship.
You continuously feel neglected, insignificant, and/or not cared for in the relationship. Your partner may be busy with commitments (as we all are), but trust, there’s a hugeee difference between a busy partner and someone who doesn't make time for you.
"If your partner is consistently inattentive and neglectful of your needs and wants, despite your best efforts in communicating your needs to them, then it’s fair to say your partner is not valuing you and the relationship," confirms registered psychotherapist Parisa Ghanbari. "Partners who are absorbed or lack adequate relationship skills are incapable of ever meeting your emotional needs." Time to say buh-bye.
2. Talking about the future of your relationship causes tension.
No one is saying that talking about the future isn't scary, but if your S.O. cannot see a future at all, don’t be afraid to walk away. You don’t need to talk about marriage every single second, but a conversation or two about goals or expectations of the relationship is important, and if your partner can’t see that, well, that’s not a great sign.
"Holding this person without any intent for future plans limits not only them from finding their 'happily ever after', but also you," says licensed psychotherapist Markesha Miller. She recommends you ask yourself, "Where do I see myself in one year?" Do you see your partner with you?
3. You are easily irritated by your partner’s presence.
We’ve all been irritated and frustrated by our partners, especially if we’re having a bad day and nothing seems to be going well. But “when you feel like you’re going to scream [every time] your partner starts telling the same dumb joke or boring story, then you probably need to sit down and talk honestly about [the relationship],” says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, chair and professor of counseling and counselor education at Northern Illinois University. If their mere presence irrationally irritates you even on good days, that’s a much bigger issue.
4. You’re just not that into them.
This is an all-too-common problem in relationships, and, yes, it’s normal for feelings to seesaw a little bit. However, if your partner is super into you and you’re only kinda meh about them, or vice versa, then that’s not a great sign either. Unfortunately, you can’t force attraction. It’s not the right person if the timing is off, and that’s one of the hardest relationship lessons anyone can learn.
5. You’re dating your S.O. for who you think they should be, not for who they are.
Re-read that again, and one more time for good measure. Too often, we see our partner through rose-colored lenses rather than through clear eyes, and because of that, it’s easy to want to wait for them to change as a person. But ask yourself: Does this person even want to change? Are you willing to wait for them?
“Waiting for someone to change his or her internal qualities, like his or her values or personality, takes a tremendous amount of effort, willpower, growth, and hard work,” says Mariana Bockarova, PhD, who teaches The Psychology of Relationships at the University of Toronto. You have to ask yourself if you’d be willing to stay with them if they didn’t change this aspect of themselves. If the answer is no, it’s time to move on.
6. You feel like they’re being too clingy in a way that feels toxic.
All relationships (platonic, romantic, etc.) need TLC, but if your romantic partnership keeps you from seeing your friends or hanging out without them, then time to say adios. It could be love bombing—a manipulative tactic commonly used by narcissists—or just straight-up excessive clinginess, but either way, it’s never cool for a partner to control your schedule, even if they seem to be doing so “out of love.” You should be totally free to live your own life, and anyone who tries to interfere is probably not someone you can peacefully (and safely, tbh) date.
7. You feel stuck or bored in the relationship.
Every relationship goes through highs and lows, but if you’re consistently (emphasis on consistently) feeling unsatisfied regardless of the cool things you do together, it’s time to re-evaluate. And by cool things, we mean things like BYOB painting classes, rock climbing, dinners out, weekend trips—dates! If nothing sounds appealing and you find yourself disengaging from them when you’re together, it might be a sign to move on—particularly if you imagine how your lifestyle would be different without your partner and the vision is appealing, says Degges-White.
8. You think about having sex with other people.
Finding other people attractive isn’t the problem. It’s so normal to look at someone and think, “Damn, they’re fine.” But if you catch yourself imagining a happy life with the person whose bones you’re mentally jumping, or you feel like you’d rather have sex with anyone but your partner, it’s a good sign you’re half checked-out.
9. You don’t get along with their friends or family.
Remember the film Monster in Law with J.Lo? If any scenes of the film resemble your relationship with your significant other’s friends and family, that’s a huge red flag. Seriously! If you feel like the dynamic you have with his friends or fam is genuinely toxic and your partner doesn’t acknowledge their mistreatment of you or downplays your concerns, then something def’s off.
“If your partner sees these relationships as the best thing in their life, and you’re not vibing, that’s an indication that this is likely going to be a problem for the foreseeable future,” says Cook. If having a close relationship with your partner’s crew and/or family is important to you, Cook suggests looking elsewhere.
10. Your partner refuses to be vulnerable and open with you.
Emotional availability and boundary-setting may be therapy buzzwords dominating the pop-culture sphere, but they’re also serious concepts that are high-key needed in a relationship. If you’ve pushed yourself to be vulnerable, and your partner doesn’t want to go deeper with you, then according to Cook, this is a pretty clear sign that your needs in this department will continue to go unmet. At that point, she suggests cutting your losses and finding someone more emotionally available—someone willing to reveal their weaknesses and understand yours.
4 Signs The Relationship *Isn’t* Doomed And You Should Consider Staying
1.Both parties are willing to put in the work and invest in the ‘ship.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but if your partner is putting in the effort, then all is not lost, says Ghanbari. That said, don’t take your partner’s words as gospel, but rather look at their actions. Some signs to look for: They're seeking couples therapy or therapy themselves, they are reading self-growth books or relationship material to better themselves, and/or actionably fulfilling your needs/wants/desires expressed, suggests Ghanbari.
2. You haven’t had an open and honest conversation with your partner.
Have you openly expressed your needs to your partner? No one is a mindreader, and you can’t expect your partner (or really, anyone) to know how you feel if you’re not communicating with them. “Be honest with the person and let them know you’re struggling to be vulnerable with them,” says Cook. “See where it takes you and if they’re willing to go deeper with you.” No one can adjust their behavior to meet your needs if said needs aren't explained. Relationships always require honest communication—on both sides.
3. The change you’re waiting for is situational.
Yes, we did just say that not waiting for your partner to change is important, but there’s a difference between waiting for a personality change and a situational one. Bockarova believes it’s reasonable to wait for external changes, like a partner getting a job in the same city as you, only if you have reason to believe they are realistically capable of making that change.
“If [they] value ambition and hard work, then waiting for [them] to meet future goals—like having income to travel, buy a house, or start a family—is well worth waiting for,” Bockarova says.
Just remember: Your feelings are valid even if your partner is determined and reliable. Like, yes, it’s worth the wait to finally be living in the same city if you’ve always been long-distance, but it’s normal to feel frustrated/sad/stressed about it along the way. That’s why mutual support and open communication is so important, so that your partner can know what you’re feeling and work with you on ways to make it better.
4. Your S.O. respects your relationship with their family and sticks up for you when needed.
You might not get along with your partner’s family, but that doesn't mean your relationship has a death sentence. As long as everybody plays nice and you know your partner has your back, then there’s no reason why both parties can’t coexist. But your partner should be willing (or open) to setting boundaries with their family. Relationship expert Callisto Adams, PhD, suggests limiting hangouts when possible as a compromise. And relationships only thrive with the three C’s: compromise, communication, and commitment.
Mel Curry (she/her) is the current assistant editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers everything from lifestyle to politics. You can often find her watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta or discovering local coffee roasters. Before joining Cosmo, she was an editorial assistant at Hearst Magazines, writing for Women’s Health, Elle, and more. Follow her on Instagram and the bird app aka Twitter.
Morgan is a Philadelphia-based freelance writer, covering everything from health and sex to fashion and beauty. Her work can also be seen in Bustle, Refinery29, Well+Good, and more. She’s a big fan of these things, in order: silk slip dresses, giving unsolicited life advice, working out, and Taylor Swift’s entire discography.
Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex)—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here.
