Let's pump* right into this because there's no way to sugar coat it: I made of a mold of my husband's penis and then used that mold to create a neon pink, glow-in-the-dark vibrator.
I will start by saying that my husband is a brilliant, kind, gentle man; the kind of human who rescues wounded baby birds off the side of the road and nurses them back to health, and who cherishes nothing more than his library card and a mug of hot tea. And I made this pure, sweet, lovely soul fuck a tube of gel to clone his peen for my amusement. I am a monster, to be sure, but I write for Cosmo, and what needs to be done, needs to be done. Besides, that bird seed ain't buying itself.
My husband reluctantly agreed because he knows he married a crazy person and he was already forced to do all the sex in 50 Shades of Grey and put a donut on his ding dong, so whatever, this should be a walk in the park.
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I received the Clone-A-Willy kit in the mail: having already seen a video of how it works, I felt like I kinda knew what to expect. I was wrong.
First, I gathered my ingredients:
Once you assemble the necessary items, you start by mixing the algae-based molding powder with water. Now, this is a very precise thing. You actually have to set a timer, mix the molding powder and water for one minute, pour it in the tube, put your penis (or whatever!) in the tube for two minutes, and then remove said penis (or whatever). What happened next was more stressful than the new Mission Impossible movie. Honestly, my husband deserves an Academy Award for Best Penis in a Stressful Situation/Motion Picture.
Here's the timer off and racing—terrifying, yes!?:
Now, the penis must get hard. This involved a quick BJ, some rubbing, some tugging, and some desperate praying. We were both sweating a lot, like maybe as much as someone trying to qualify for the Olympics, but we were just trying to get a wang rigid. (Side note: We should get into better shape, maybe?)
As the highly specific rules of Clone-A-Willy stipulate: Once the penis is hard, and at exactly the one minute mark, it must be squished into the molding gel and stay in there — and stay still and hard in there — for two whole minutes! This is where we had to get creative: Some heavy making out, heavier petting, and finally me standing in front of him and playing with my boobs like a circus clown in a nightmare. (Does that analogy work? I looked like a fool and I was naked, so I think it checks out.) My husband grimaced through the whole thing and I thought I saw a single tear roll down his cheek, but I kindly looked away so we could both pretend it didn't happen.
When the two minutes were blessedly up, and the molding gel had firmed, he extracted his penis. Pro-tip: you might want to shave beforehand, but you don't *have* to. Just saying, if you don't like your dildo mold with a side of pubes, you might want to. The molding gel is totally fine to wash off with some soap and water, so my husband just ran to the shower while screaming, "Don't look at me!!!"
Then, you wait four hours. We used this time to have sex and finish One Mississippi —which was a GREAT show and the execs at Amazon are FOOLS to cancel it! I don't care how cool their dumb shoplifting store is!
Next, you mix the silicone with the glow in the dark powder (why?!) (because-glow-in the-dark = SEXY) (???).
Then you pour it in to the mold of where the lucky peen of the day once was:
Then you put the vibrator through a piece of cardboard and stick it into the silicone because you're not just making a dildo, you're making a vibrating dildo. You're architecting your own dreams:
Then you wait 24 hours and voila! A neon pink, glow-in-the-dark (NPGITD, for short) vibrating dildo of your partner's ding a ling! If this isn't living, I don't know what is. My husband would like me to mention that this is only his partial dick because he did not want me to show the entire thing because it's the internet and he does not want you to know what his dick looks like. That's not for you, perv.
We then compared the NPGITD penis with the original model and found it striking in similarity. The same bumps and ridges and veins and ew, this sentence is grossing me out! JK, the penis is very beautiful and we've all just been trained to see them as gross and/or funny because this culture poisons our sexuality!
ANYWAY: I wanted to sword fight with it because it's a really even fight — penis v. penis, in the battle of the century! Unfortunately, my husband said no. He'll break eventually.
All in all, it was a really funny, weird thing to do together. It was not sexy, but it's kinda cool to have a dildo made from my husband's junk. Not to brag (lie), but his penis is perfect, so I definitely used it to masturbate. (Oh, don't act so surprised! What am I supposed to do with it!? Bake a cake?!) And let me tell you — it was the Black Mirror of dicks. Like, it was sexy and cool, but also kinda scary!? Like, um, I feel like my husband is inside me but it's a NPGITD vibrating dildo replicant. CUE CREDITS. I did get off because I'm excellent at self-pleasure — if you're not, stop reading this article and go masturbate until you are, JFC!) — but I don't know how often I'll be fucking myself with my husband's disembodied penis. But maybe you'll be more into it than I am, and I have to respect that, because you're clearly a fucking boss.
*Not a typo!
