Game of Thrones, a semipopular show with a non-rabid fan base, can be…a lot. Like, everything about the whole show is completely extra: the costumes, the battles, the sex— especially the sex. So much sex. So many boobs, not enough dongs. The lack of dongs, in fact, is the only area where it’s not super extra. Fuck you, HBO!
Since I’m the resident Cosmo chumpette who likes to test how far I can push things before my husband divorces me for very good cause, I thought, “Sure! I’ll try some of these GoT sex scenes! I’ve already put a doughnut on his penis, I’m a sad bitch with nothing left to lose!” So here I go, testing all the wildest—but still consensual! And non-incest-y! (JFC, this show!)—sex scenes.
1. Viserys and Doreah (Season 1, Episode 4)
Going into this, I believed it would be my husband’s dream sex scene—getting it on in a tub while he mansplains dragons to me. I mean, he probably popped 50 boners just reading that sentence. However, there are a couple things you should know about our bathtub: It’s three-quarters the size of a normal tub because we poor, and if just one of us wants to take a bath, we have to contort ourselves into super pretzels. It ain’t fun, folks.
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So anyway, we wedged ourselves into the tub and I proceeded to sponge-bathe him for like 10 minutes because that happens in this scene and it’s boring AF. When his skin was bright red from irritation and in danger of peeling from his body, we tried to have sex. News alert: Having sex in a bathtub SUCKS ASS. Which, yes, I’m sure is something else that happens in the Game of Thrones universe, but not in this scene.
Just a little bit of news if you didn’t know: Water is not a lubricant! And we did not use silicone lube! So not only did it kind of hurt, but I also kept imagining falling off his dick and straight onto the porcelain and the blood just gush, gush, gushing from my head. I mean, maybe this scene would work for you if you have a normal-size bathtub and are two skinny minnies, but our fat asses almost died.
Rating: 1 out of 5 dragons fucking
2. Stannis and Melisandre (Season 2, Episode 2)
Melisandre and Stannis! These two...yikes. This scene involves a bit of seduction but only that much because Stannis folds in like two seconds. The other interesting part of this scene is that I got to tell my husband that his wife disgusts him, which made me feel not great because that is not the epitome of self-love!! I also got to tell him I would give him a son, but psych! I’m on hella birth control, not trying to have a bb right now, maybe ever.
Thankfully, he was all “phew” because we’re on the same page about that and then we fucked on a table. It wasn’t painted like the one in the scene, but can you imagine if we did have that table? How fucking creepy would that be? We’d have people over for dinner and they’d leave and be all, “Krista and her husband are cool, but what the fuck is up with that table? Fucking creepy.”
Have you ever fucked on a table? I mean, it’s no bed. “Why fuck on a table when you can fuck on a bed?” is my question. I guess if you’re fucking someone who’s not your disgusting wife, which is what Stannis is doing, then maybe a table is what’s deserved. Anyway, we did this until my back started to cramp, then moved to a bed to finish because fuck that, I am not playing the game of thrones if it tries to paralyze me. And I’m sorry if you think that’s dramatic, but it’s called the GAME OF THRONES. Get used to it, baby.
Rating: 3 out of 5 dragons fucking
3. Jon and Ygritte (Season 3, Episode 5)
The stars aligned the night Jon boned with his favorite wildling. This match had it all: a dank cave, a pile of furs, and even hot springs! Has forbidden love ever been so…um, medieval?
I don’t have a bunch of furs lying around because I’m not a monster, so I made a mound of fluffy blankets on the ground, turned off the lights, lit a candle, and turned on the mini meditation fountain I bought at Costco with my mom.
The scene was set, my friends. This was actually very sweet and romantic, and I think my husband was relieved that I wasn’t trying to put scrunchies on his penis or make him fuck me while hanging upside down underwater.
Obviously, the best thing about this scene is the oral sex. Receiving oral sex is the TITS, and I even made us say the lines afterward:
Ygritte/Krista: “That thing you did, with your mouth? Is that what lords do to ladies in the South?”
Jon/Krista’s Extremely Embarrassed Husband: “I don’t know. I just wanted to kiss you there is all. You seemed to like it.”
AND I DID! Because my husband is very good at oral sex—probably almost as good as some bearded virgin. I must admit, the role-playing thing is not my jam and, in general, very embarrassing. Do I need to work through this in therapy? Or does everyone else need to stop pretending to be other people just to get erections? I have a feeling it’s option A, but I don’t feel like deep-diving into my particular brand of bonkers today, so instead I’ll just accept that having someone go down on you on a faux-fur rug (blanket mountain) is extremely delicious, and Jon and Ygritte know what’s up.
Rating: 5 out of 5 dragons fucking
4. Gendry and Melisandre (Season 3, Episode 8)
This one was rad because it doesn’t involve actual sex, and since I was doing this all in just a couple days before my husband left for a business trip (to Westeros! No, to Cleveland), I needed a break, yamean? Your girl needed. A break. After all, when was I supposed to snack and watch Netflix? Those two things usually take up my entire weekend, and all this Game of Thrones–style boinking was eating into my eating time! Not cool!
Since Melisandre ties down Gendry and then covers him in leeches, I decided to do the same thing but with GUMMY WORMS! WTF, Krista! You dumb fucking GENIUS! After tying my husband down with some old rags—I worked with what we had, people!—I covered his body in candy while he screamed, “That tickles! That tickles!” I said, “That’s too bad, you sad little royal bastard! [Editor’s note: Krista’s husband is not a bastard.] I am a witch and I will eat your royal blood!” Then I housed the gummy worms and that’s basically that scene, right?
Rating: 10 out of 5 dragons fucking
5. Missandei and Grey Worm (Season 7, Episode 2)
Another oral sex scene!? Game of Thrones, maybe I had you all wrong. I thought you were all rape and incest, but you like to send the boys downtown too. The first two things are very bad, but the second part is very good! KRISTA-APPROVED!
This is just a sweet lovemaking session (barf) between two sweet, gentle souls with hearts of gold and penises of non-existence. I was gonna ask my husband to get some tucking panties so we could do this right, but that didn’t seem quite right. I wanted to treat these two with the respect they deserve and just lie back and get eaten out until the White Walkers came to potentially kill us both. What a way to go! (But honestly, if these two angels aren’t the last standing, I’m gonna murder HBO.)
It was just a vulnerable, tender moment with two people accepting each other and loving and laughing—isn’t that what life’s all about? Damn, GoT got me crying about the beauty of life over here.
Rating: 11 out of 5 dragons fucking
6. Dany and Daario (Season 5, Episode 7)
Dany’s first post-Drogo fuckfest is with Daario, who is straight-up AWOOOGA HUMMINA HUMMINA fi-one. Get it, you literal, actual queen. What I love about this scene is that she makes him take off his clothes and prance around in front of her like the beautiful, beautiful show pony he is.
My husband was pretty into this, TBH. I put on some sexy stripper music—which isn’t canon, but whatever, sue me!—and he did a little dance. He even made his penis swing in a circle, which I’ve always wanted to see. He admitted to practicing it quite a bit in his youth—which, is that normal or did I get a broken one? Telling him what to do and then him doing it while naked was honestly quite a turn-on, and I heartily recommend this to any horndog out there with control issues. The sex afterward was pretty dynamic—maybe because we just wanted this whole experience to be over, or maybe because Game of Thrones really is the sexiest show on television! We’ll never know!
Rating: 5 out of 5 dragons fucking
7. Arya and Gendry (Season 8, episode 2)
Arya, a bad bitch with major agency, decides it’s time to do the deed with Gendry, and I’m all about it. Obviously, this sex scene is extra emotional because they’re both probably about to hella die, and that’s super sad. Of course, this scene is a bit weird because everyone has watched Arya grow up on the show, so it’s a li’l weird to see her have sex, but guess what? That’s how life works! We all did it, and now it’s her turn. And it’s cool that she did it as a powerful woman who is GETTING! HER! LIFE!
This was especially fun because I got to be in charge and, like Arya, I know what I want and I go and get it! (Except when it comes to raises and equal compensation to the underqualified, overconfident men who surround me! But I’m working on it!) First, I asked my husband how many women he’d been with and I honestly didn’t know the answer, so it led to an interesting conversation that lasted about 20 minutes. After we high-fived for killing this marriage thing, I told him, “Take off your own damn pants, I’m not Melisandre!” and we both lol’ed and boned. It was good! Sex is usually pretty good! I’m glad Arya got to experience it and that her first time was a better experience than most! Arya deserves that, and so does everyone else. But I mean, girl has been through some SHIT. Sometimes literally.
After my husband had fallen asleep, I lay there and quietly contemplated my death, which felt like a fitting end to this experiment.
Rating: 4 out of 5 dragons fucking (it would’ve been 5, but the thinking about death put a bit of a damper on my post-orgasmic bliss)
Our days of GoT porking brought out a lot of emotions: lust, disgust, exhaustion, and delirious laughing. Highly recommended to all you fantasy-loving pervs out there. Go get your dragons! And by dragons, I mean orgasms.
