There are some things in life that no person needs but every person secretly wants: unlimited access to free guacamole, an entire month of just watching Netflix, and a suitcase filled with $10,000 worth of 18K-gold sex toys. Well, my friends, I must report that while I haven’t cracked the code for the first two, I have welcomed a suitcase filled with luxe sex toys into my life. And yes, my life is much better now.
First, you should know that the limited-edition LELO anniversary collection kit costs $10,000, or $7,995 when on sale, which it currently is. The kit comes in two 100 percent body-safe options: black zinc or pink with 18K rose gold. Each color has a limited run (only 800 of the black zinc and 200 of the pink), and each of the 12 items included are exclusive to the kit—aka you can’t mix and match.
Now, the briefcase itself isn’t super hot—it kinda looks like something a nerdy dad would’ve taken to work with him in the ’70s, but when you open it, you would’ve learned that daddy is a major deviant. Because inside Lelo’s Anniversary Collection is a myriad of things to get you seriously off:
- Rio Spanker
- Cannes Feather Teaser
- Fontanoso Graduating Beads
- Stureplan Plug Dot
- Ben Wa Balls
- Kie Eye Mask
- Elena Shackles
- Ax Multi-Massager
- Volonte Massager
- Sense Dual Massager
- Jarlsgatan Flogger
- Hertz Telescopic Crop
As soon as I opened it, I instantly became so horny my vagina fell out of my body because it was so wet. (SORRY! IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I AM ALSO BARFING.) JK, it was very intimidating to see all those sex toys lined up and ready to go to battle with my clit.
When my boyfriend got home, I told him I got him a new briefcase and he was like, “That’s nuts because I don’t even have one now,” and I was like, “Just open the damn gift!” and then he opened it and laughed for like 15 minutes straight before saying, “Oh shit. We have to use this all for Cosmo, right?” That’s correct, sucker. He, like me, knows that the highest honor is to try fancy shit for free, so we were both extremely horny already.
Since we are total champs/masochists, we decided to try to use all the toys in one night. I mean, hello, it’s a KIT, which means it should all be used TOGETHER. (Or you can just use it like a normal person, but that’s no fun! Actually, it’s still fun because SEX.)
We started by putting on the Fifty Shades soundtrack because, duh. This kit would be right at home in the red room. My boyfriend got the party going by restraining my arms using the Elena Shackles and covering my eyes using the Kie Eye Mask—which, BTW, felt like BUTTAH against my skin. He said I looked like a sexy Fraggle with it on. I’ll take it!
He then proceeded to use the Cannes Feather Teaser, the Jarlsgatan Flogger, the Rio Spanker, and the Hertz Telescopic Crop on various parts of my body— teasing my titties with the glam feather duster before flipping me over and spanking me with the spanker, the flogger, and the crop. It was a lot of spanking, but I was into it!
Plus, the sensations were different. The flogger is like a million little sassy snakes tickling your butt, the crop is more of a firm smack, and the most intense is the spanker, which is long and flat and delivers a (sensual) wallop. The latter was my favorite, so I gotta ask my therapist what that means. If you’re into someone lightly hitting you with something during hot bedroom times, this kit will be your salvation.
Next, it was time to get down to Real Sexy Business—which means inserting foreign objects into the front and the back! (Are you shocked I’m a sex writer?! I am too!) We started with the Fontanoso Graduating Beads because my ass was already in the air. My boyfriend added some lube (v important as the ass does not self-lubricate like the vagina) and then we went to town. Well, kinda. The anal beads gradually increase in size, so if the largest bead is the town center, we stayed on the outskirts, if you know what I’m saying.
Topping off the rest of the anal-play circuit was the Stureplan Plug Dot, a nice butt plug made of silicone. To make it more enjoyable, my boyfriend went down on me while it was happening, which is always the best. That said, I liked the actual butt stuff just okay! It isn’t totally my thing, but I respect and love all for whom it is.
Then, he flipped me back over and it was VAGINA TIME! We started with some Ben Wa Balls because I hadn’t done my Kegels yet for the day (lol, who has the time?). After three disciplined reps of 15, he removed them and we got to the main event: the vibes!!
Any LELO fan can tell you that their massagers are the tits. They’re seriously some of the best in the biz with their smooth silicone and customizable vibrations. Oh là là! We used the Ax Multi-Massager (a couples massager that vibrates internally and externally), the Volonte Massager (your standard vibe, only classed way TF up), and the Sense Dual Massager (Rabbit-esque vibe with clitoral and vaginal stimulation). I had more orgasms than Queen Elizabeth has cups of tea in a day—and that woman LOVES her tea, jafeel?
My favorite? The Ax. As it was vibrating inside of me, my boyfriend could be on top of me, we could make out, and he could experience some of the fun. At first, I thought it would be kind of awkward and funny, but then it ended up being hot. (There’s probably a life lesson in there.)
When we were done, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for all his efforts. Sex shouldn’t be “I got you off, so now you have to get me off,” but the fact of the matter is, he got me off about 17 times using a weird sexy spy suitcase and also, I love him, so all that adds up to a blow job. That’s just math!
The next day, I spent approximately 45 minutes cleaning up the carnage of our 12-course sex-toy bonanza. Seriously, 12 toys is a lot. But it was worth it. While I can’t not recommend using all these sex toys together, it’s not a necessity. You could buy it if you’ve got a spare $10K lying around and then have it as your main sex-toy stash. It easily fits under one bed and keeps all your shiz nicely organized. Plus, it’s just so fucking fancy, you can’t help but feel like a Bedroom Boss (™, me! Don’t steal it, Disney).
Overall: 10/10 would fuck with again!
