Name a more iconic freak than Samantha Jones. I’ll wait. Sex and the City’s resident sex-crazed maniac revolutionized what it meant to be an “older” single woman on TV. Before horny ol’ Sam, unattached ladies north of 40 spent their golden years pouring Metamucil over their oatmeal before begging men who look like Danny DeVito (but shorter, older, homelier) to go on pity dates with them. After Sam Jones? Well, those same women could fuck hot young studs until their vaginas fell to the floor. Progress!
In celebration of the number one sex freak of our time, I decided to pick Sam’s most famous (infamous?) sex moments and reenact them with my lucky/terrified husband. We old broads need something to live for, after all, and as Ms. Jones taught me, that thing is dick.
Sex on a Chair on a Bed Sex
What’s the first thing you think of when you think of Ms. Samantha Jones? Okay, it might be cancer. But the second thing? It’s definitely that chair on the bed sex.
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In the episode “Great Sexpectations”—season 6, episode 2—Samantha outlasts all the middle-age horndogs at Raw to take home Smith so they can go downtown to bonetown. Their sexcapades end with Sam straddling Smith on top of a chair that’s centered on her bed, because she’s Samantha fucking Jones and she has no fear of death or paralysis.
Because I’m not Samantha Jones and I do have fear (so much fear!), my husband and I opted to top our bed with a sturdy dining room table chair covered in a towel and pushed back against the wall, because I’m not trying to die and/or ruin precious family heirlooms. My husband sat on the chair and I climbed on top of him, praying the entire time that neither the chair nor the bed nor both would break. Let me tell you: I am not a religious woman, but I made my peace with God, and He saw that I was 100 percent real and He granted me safe passage.
As for the sex itself, it was…fine? Most people have had sex on a chair before, and this was like that but harder, because it’s difficult to get a rhythm going when you’re working against the bounce of a bed. Sometimes it’s in your favor, but then you slip a little and shit is bouncing where it shouldn’t be bouncing. After about three minutes, my husband asked if we could stop because he feared penis injury and I agreed because I feared death. Honestly, every little movement feels dangerous when you’re five feet off the ground and bobbing on top of a penis. Scary stuff, Sam!
Role-Play Sex
If you’ll remember, Sam is a trysexual, which means she’ll try anything once, including late-night role-play. In “Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little” (season 6, episode 4), Sam is vacuuming when Smith pretends to break in, ties Samantha up, and tells her to “shut the fuck up.” And then they go at it.
This one is a total fantasy for me because I have to vacuum in it. Housework, LOL! I’m choking because I’m LOLing so hard! My husband joked that he would wait to break in for 30 minutes so I would actually clean, then I shook my fist at him and threatened divorce. What fun we were having, and the sex hadn’t even started yet!
Anyway, if your deepest sexual fantasy involves a studly burglar, then this reenactment is definitely for you. I, however, am not into that damsel-in-distress thing and prefer to be the dominant, controlling force in every interaction, so this one was a bit of a challenge. Add in the vacuuming and it was downright impossible! My husband sensed my hesitation and so was not into it, at least until the part when Sam turns the tables on Smith and tells him to “shut the fuck up and fuck me before my husband gets back.” That’s when we both were on board. There’s something very “enough!” about telling a man what to do, and I was super into it. At that point, tapping into my inner Sam Jones control freak had become kind of a blast.
Sex-Tape Sex
This one made me nervous because Samantha didn’t have to worry about things like “having her video stolen from the cloud and shared with a million dirty dogs” back in 1998 (“Models and Mortals,” season 1, episode 2). While I wasn’t too worried about revenge porn because my husband isn’t trash, I was worried about my shit being stolen by some wannabe Julian Assange. So we, uh, just positioned the camera facing us and then only pretended to film. I know it was a cop-out, but I’m not trying to end up in a 2018 edition of Hackers.
It was still fun and sexy to just pretend to make a sex tape, because it kind of felt like someone else was in the room with us…but not a creeper. I can’t exactly explain it, but you should try it. Or like us—you should try it twice in one night! What can I say? I was really inspired by S. Jones, the freak. Bless up to my freak goddess!
Dirty, Dirty Farm Sex
Who could forget that time Sam dressed up like a farm girl in a porno (“Sex and the Country,” season 4, episode 9) and learned to milk a cow so she could get her groove back with hunky farmer Luke? Not I! Since I don’t own a farm or a cow or even a bandanna, my husband and I relived the magic using my overalls and some more role-play. I pretended to milk our coffee table while he did push-ups on my yoga mat to work up a manly, farmer-like sheen. We’re city folk, okay? We did the best we could. Then—this is when it got crazy—we went into the backyard to have sex in the closest thing we have to a hay pile—some grass! And guess what? It was pretty hot. Doing it in the great outdoors (legally, of course…wait, is it legal to have sex in your own backyard?) was a serious rush, and we really went for it.
Self-Pleasure Principle Sex
Oh hell yes, it’s Friar Fuck time! While Sam is certainly known for her partner-based sexual acrobatics, she also loves to masturbate. And she especially loves to masturbate to the idea of the most unattainable man of all—a Catholic priest she nicknames Friar Fuck. In “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tacy” (season 4, episode 1), Samantha wants to find out what’s under this man of the cloth’s robes:
Okay, yes. I can definitely do that. I made sure my bed was a mess, put on that “Hallelujah, Hallelujah” song (the bop, not that depressing-ass Leonard Cohen one), and went to town. There’s something to be said for masturbating in the middle of the day thinking about Friar Fuck, and that something is: DO THIS IMMEDIATELY. Holy hell, masturbation is great.
In Conclusion
Trying to have sex like Samantha Jones was straight bonkers with a side of total liberation. My major takeaway from this experience is that Sam is very comfortable in her body, and that’s the best. My one wish for this world is that all women feel as awesome about their skin suit as she does. And while Samantha has the privilege of being unquestionably attractive by conventional standards, there’s still something very freeing about channeling her attitude and being like, “Check out all of this, fellas and ladies and everyone else! You’re welcome.” So thank you, Samantha Jones, for reigniting my loins with your nasty self. Stay dirty, my queen.
![sarah jessica parker and kim cattral during filming sex and the city on march 15, 2001 at streets of new york in new york city, new york, united states photo by tom kingstonwireimage](https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod/images/gettyimages-115384337-1611074190.jpg?crop=1.00xw:0.606xh;0,0&resize=360:* "Filming "Sex and the City" on March 15,2001")
