Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our August issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!
True story: I’m a 28-year-old cis white male, and I keep my socks on when I’m having sex. To some, this makes me a monster. To me, it’s like an admission ticket into adulthood. I mean, I actually own a bunch of matching pairs now, and man, do I love showing off those beauts in bed.
Plus, when my feet are being hugged by cotton, they’re warm, protected from splinters [editor’s note: ?!], and happy to propel me toward whatever needs doing that day. Every so often, what needs doing is my fiancée.
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“Take off your socks,” she’ll say to me, having kicked off her own pre-foreplay. “You look ridiculous.” I can’t argue with her. When I’m standing there with eyes gleaming and penis looking as sexy as it can while hard, ready to thrust away for three, maybe four, minutes, I do look ridiculous. But it’s not because of my socks.
In fact, keeping my lil foot condoms on is actually helping to maintain both our sex drives in a way she fails to realize. Think about it: Toes are our outermost extremities, and blood has to travel far to reach them. Without protection, they get effing cold (especially in blasting A/C). If my feet were naked during sex, I’d be dealing out icy kicks every time we switched positions. We’re heading for marriage, people—there’s no room for any type of cold feet here.
Oh, and my pinkie toenails like to grow in crooked and, thus, easily snag on loose bed sheets. Even just thinking about the many times this has happened is giving me the bad kind of chills. I don’t want to run the risk of accidentally yanking off a toenail mid-oral...that’s not the kind of BDSM I’m interested in having, thankyouverymuch.
Honestly, though, if you really, really wanna grill me on my reasoning: I always feel like I’m pumpin’ better when I have socks on. There. I said it. I can’t explain why, it’s just better this way.
So, as a rule, I keep the socks on. And I will not* compromise!
*Of course I will.
Also, it’s science...?
At least, that’s what I was hoping when I called up L.A. urologist Joshua Gonzalez, MD.
ME: Hey, doc, is there a medical explanation for why men like to wear socks during sex?
DR. G: Uh, no. No. Socks during sex shouldn’t affect anything.
ME: Oh. But I thought maybe it would be like wearing those orthopedic socks designed to prevent blood clots on airplanes. Like, maybe it would increase blood flow to my nether regions or something?
DR. G: Ah. No, it doesn’t really work that way. I mean, I would say it’s just a matter of preference. But I don’t think you could make the argument that wearing socks would somehow drive more blood to your penis.
ME: Wait, so no real benefits?
DR. G: Maybe if you think it’s kinky? Or if it’s a cold night and the socks keep your feet warm, it may make sex more enjoyable? But I don’t think it makes any real difference.
ME: Let’s pretend we never had this conversation.
Other Bro Opinions
“I prefer to be fully nude, but there are occasions when I wouldn’t mind having socks on.” —Kevin, 30
“It feels strangely wrong. If my penis is out in the open enjoying life, my feet deserve the same luxury.” —Sanford, 28
“It’s something my partner and I try to avoid because it’s not very sexy, unless the socks are sexy...and men don’t have sexy socks.” —Mike, 30
“I wear socks inside because our shoes track in so much shit. If they’re on once I start, there’s no way I’m spending any energy getting them off.” —Brendon, 32
