As a Pisces, I’ve spent a lot of time talking shit about Cancers and how they’re the least deep water sign. I still think this, FYI. So imagine my surprise when, last summer, after finding myself down particularly bad for a Cancer with whom I happened to be having exceptionally good, can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other sex, a review of my sexual history found that most of the best dicking down of my life has been with—wait for it—Cancers.
To be fair, despite my condescending attitude towards them, Cancers and Pisces are generally thought to be a pretty decent match in love and/or bed. Still, I have it on good authority that it’s not just me and my inherent weakness for fellow water signs: I regret to inform you that Cancers really are superior lovers.
In fact, as the Astro Poets themselves put it in their 2019 guide to the stars: “A Cancer will probably be the best lover you have ever had. Not because there is anything that exciting about the actual act itself (because there won’t be). It will be as basic as love-making can be, but it will be all heart.”
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Ding, ding ding! This completely tracks. Admittedly, most of the best-sex-of-my-life sex I’ve had with Cancers hasn’t been of the super kinky, explosive variety. There’s been little in the way of advanced technique or acrobatic positions. I’d go as far as to say most of the time I’ve spent in bed with Cancers has been relatively vanilla—although I have found many of them to be gifted dirty-talkers.
But the thing that Cancers bring to the bedroom that turns otherwise unremarkable sex with them into an affair to remember is the thing that, IMO, is behind all good sex: enthusiasm. Cancers get into it. And, unlike fellow water signs who boast a similar level of passion and mystique in the bedroom but tend to get a little bogged down by our own watery depths, Cancers bring an almost whimsical kind of enchantment to sex that makes even the most casual of hookups feel like the beginning of a first-love, head-rush kind of romance. To fuck a Cancer is to have crush on one—at least in the heat of the moment.
That enthusiasm plus their water-sign intuition—nascent though it may be compared to Scorpio and Pisces’ almost psychic abilities—helps Cancers instinctively know what their partners desire, says astrologer Lisa Stardust, which finds them almost inevitably forging an emotional connection during sex.
Hi, yes, can confirm there's just a certain romance and intimacy that Cancers bring to even the most casual of sex that makes it feel freaking magic. But while sex with a Scorpio feels magic in a “I have fallen under this person’s spell and will likely never recover” kind of way, Cancerian sex feels like first-crush, “Teenage Dream” magic. Sex with Cancers is simultaneously passionate yet silly, intimate yet casual, hot and heavy but also warm and cozy. It’s like having sex with your soulmate, best friend, and crush all at once.
Cancers, in my experience, are reliably down to go all in—romantically, emotionally, and erotically—during sex and not get weird about it after. Anything goes in bed with a Cancer, and whatever happens there, stays there. Under the influence of Cancerian charm (and, okay, maybe a few other substances), I have literally professed my undying love to a Cancer FWB of mine during sex, then laughed about it after while eating cold takeout together in bed. (For what it’s worth, Stardust notes that this is textbook Cancer behavior: “After a hookup, they’ll make a quick snack for their partner in an effort to show they care. They are super cuddly and love to snuggle. It’s hard not to feel at home when wrapped up in their arms.”)
Whether it’s a one-night stand or full-fledged love affair, Cancers just have a way of making you feel like The One—if only for a night. And frankly, if it’s not casual sex with ambiguously romantic undertones, I simply don’t want it.
Anyway, all this to say: Happy birthday, you horny yet hopelessly romantic little crustaceans. I will fuck every last one of you.